As previously mentioned, Fr. Donnie’s revolving door of “guests” swung open a couple weeks ago, providing me with another a new acquaintance. From the moment of his unannounced arrival (the pastor dropped him off in a hospital van!) I could tell that this was going to be an interesting experience. Simon, a 70 year-old evangelical radio host from Nairobi, Kenya, decided to grace us with his presence until Easter. Not knowing their reasoning at the time, I soon found out why Fr. Dan and Fr. Michael didn’t hurry back to the village after hearing of Simon’s plans.
Ughh Simon, where to begin…Well, let’s just put it this way, he’s essentially a child trapped inside an elderly man’s body. He talks nonstop, whines when he doesn’t get his way, and is probably the most self-absorbed individual that I’ve ever met. Thirdly, Simon is afraid of the dark. He sleeps with the lights on (draining ALL of our solar power by about 10pm). Finally, Simon seals every window shut and covers each of them with curtains because he believes that “witches will come through at night.”
Although Simon’s personality bugged me and I find him annoying, I understand that these characteristics are simply minor inconveniences. The truth is that Simon really bothers me because he took advantage of Fr. Donnie’s generosity and hospitality. For example, he single-handedly depleted the priests’ beer supply in just about a week (it usually takes them over a month). Every night, “Simon the Mooch” complained on cue bout a reoccurring headache that always seemed to follow his drinking. The first few times, I attempted to calmly explain that he may want to lay off the bottle, however, he usually took exception with that, replying “beer is good for you…give me another, grandson” (I’m 99% sure he doesn’t even know my name). At first, I thought his comments were funny, but they gradually became more burdensome than anything else. Thus, in an effort to avoid his nightly nagging, I gave him a Tylenol PM to put him to sleep (I’ve got to admit that I tossed around the idea of slipping him a couple more to put him out for good…).
Well, to my disappointment, Simon did wake up each morning, resulting in the continuation of this reoccurring nightmare. Last night, after a long evening that featured Simon eating an entire bowl chicken by himself (this was supposed to be a major Easter dinner treat for everyone), I was left with an empty stomach and a really bad taste in my mouth. However, that all changed unexpectedly. During the end of one of his rants, emphasizing how he was “greatly appreciated by the whole village”, Simon instructed me to grab a pen and paper. As Simon enthusiastically spewed all of his useless garbage, I waited for him to take a sip of his 4th beer of the night (he was making sure to clean out the fridge before leaving…pretty classy dude). When the moment did arrive, I politely asked him for his e-mail address. Simon cockily responded “I’ll do you one better, Grandson”…Feel free to give our pal a ring:
Cell: +722-441-1248
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