Good Friday Edition: Top 10 Ways to Avoid Getting Hung from a Cross

I’m not gonna lie to you, this week has pretty long. My internet package expired on Saturday, and that wasn’t resolved until last night (worst possible timing with the playoffs in full swing). Additionally, we’ve got a new “visitor” (I’ll tell you all about him on Monday or Tuesday), who decided to drop in last Friday, and won’t be leaving until the day after Easter. Anyway, with the entire village in Holy Week mode, “Resurrection-Mania” is in full-swing. Below is this week’s Top 10 Ways to Avoid Crucifixion. Enjoy…and yes I think this confirm that I’ve officially lost my mind!

10.) Make Concessions
-“Look, I’m not going to waver on any of the ‘Son of God’ stuff...However, I’ll lift the ‘No Meat Rule’ AND give you Friday off…C’mon who doesn’t love long weekends???

9.) Break out the Secret Weapon...The Easter Bunny
-“What if I told you that a bunny will come on Sunday and give you a bunch of chocolate…Just come to Church dressed nicely!”

8.) Point out the Competition
-“Uh Hello, has anyone actually taken a look at this guy Barabbas?!”

7.) Stall-
-“Hold on a second, can we push this crucifixion back a few hours?” (Wait it out til 3…I hear that a big storm was on the way).

6.) Idkkkk-
-Sorry, can’t think of one here. Keep going, you’ve got plenty of reading left…

5.) Pull the Unreliable Judas Aside-
- “Look man, if you even think about betraying me, then I’ll tell everybody you prefer kissing dudes on the cheek over handshakes!” (I don’t care who/what you are/believe…that just weirds me out).

4.) Take Away Pontius Pilot’s Bowl of Water…-
-…Thus, making it impossible for him to “wash his hand” of the situation.

3.) Identity Change-
-Lose the beard and the long hair for a while. Sure the swaddling clothes and the technicolored dreamcoat play well in the historical context of the Bible, but I’m trying to get Jesus out of an execution here…There’s no way around it, the 70’s Hippie Jesus look makes you stick out anywhere…especially way back when in Jerusalem.

2.) Call in the Closer…
-“And now introducing the ‘greatest man to ever come from a woman’ (best quote of all time) John the Baptist!” Aside from the fact that everyone thought he was crazy, I honestly don’t know a whole lot about this guy. However, I heard the “greatest man…” line while dozing off at church once and have been hooked ever since. I’m sure he’d be a valuable asset. Besides, are you telling me you wouldn’t want to hang out with a guy who’s got an awesome nickname like that?

1.) Pull a Reverse Lazarus
-During your long and painful struggle carrying the cross, find a weak spot in the crowd. Use the encounter with Mother Mary or Mary Magdalene (Sorry, I sorta forgot this part…and I’m having trouble with Wikipedia) as a distraction. Finally, take a dive, hit all the on-lookers with a large dose of blindness, and book it out of there. “Now ya see me…now ya don’t!”

*Well, after this gem, I think it’s pretty evident why I never got above a C in Religion!

Happy Easter!