Unlike in the United States, marriage in Tanzania is not exactly the same mutually agreed upon institution that we all understand. Over here, a guy can pick any girl he wants to marry in exchange for a certain amount of cows. On paper, the dowry appears awesome (for example, you could buy Kim Kardashian for a like a bazillion Chloe’s…Oops I meant cows!), however, when you start to think about it, the whole idea is totally screwed up. With that said, why get negative about this subject when we could do something fun instead. Listed below are the Cow Ratings (Let’s call them “C-Ratings”...a scale based out of 100 cows...) for a bunch of famous people.
Charlie Sheen- 70 Cows- What better way to kick things off than with Charlie Sheen… After nearly losing it all, he's has made an unprecedented run of epic proportions. From the bits and pieces that I’ve been able to gather, he’s risen above those fools at CBS for firing him , and now he has made $7 million after booking a comedy tour that’s sold out across the country. Although I still don't get his new catch-phrase, it looks like he's “Winning” over the nation!
Tilikum, the 6-ton killer whale-90 Cows.
This one is for Jim Kelly. Remember last year, when you selected him as “Not the Man” (it was a segment for the WSC radio show) after he killed his trainer? Well, buddy, looks like Tilikum is free and back on the prowl at SeaWorld…Hope he doesn’t know how to use Google-Wale!
Barry Bonds- 15 Cows- Under oath, your mistress just testified that you took steroids. Cyaaaa
Jose Canseco- 10 Cows- Shame on you for trying to fool us into thinking your twin brother, Ozzie, could stand in for you during your celebrity boxing match. Actually, this is pointless. Obviously, shame doesn’t come into the equation with you. Aren’t you the same guy that’s offering to explain yourself (pending that we call a number charging 5.99/per minute)?
Jackie Chan: 75 Cows- After people made up the rumor of his death, we can all take satisfaction in knowing that he’s still kicking!
Rebecca Black…I honestly don’t know much about this girl, but she’s dominating my news feed. Since the internet is slow over here, I sadly rely on fb to see what’s going on outside of this tiny village…and unfortunately it’s HER!
VCU & Butler: 85 Cows- We had to have a feel good story somewhere in here.
Snookie:- 1 Cow- If it looks like a cow, and acts like a cow…Then it probably IS A COW!
Jim Kelly has a sick obsession with whales. (yet that was very funny about the whale comment and we couldnt stop laughing for an hour, i remember hearing whale sounds comming from our living room at 4am on another day as well...)
ReplyDeleteHi Sean, We do the same thing in our culture.
ReplyDeleteMrs Winer was supposed to cost me eight cows, but because I bought on a Monday, when it is slower, I got a two cow discount.
Hope you are enjoying the all-inclusive part of your resort stay.
Stay well.
Mr Winer (this one is between you and me)